My “Worthless” Purpose

Are you searching for purpose?
Then write something, yeah it might be worthless
Then paint something then, it might be wordless
Pointless curses, nonsense verses
You’ll see purpose start to surface
No one else is dealing with your demons
Meaning maybe defeating them
Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.

So goes a key part of one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite musical artists, “Kitchen Sink”, by “twenty one pilots” (video embedded down below).  In fact, this song, and this theme is cited by the band’s lead singer, and songwriter, Tyler Joseph, as being foundational for everything he does in making music.

As I’ve wrestled with writing another blog post over these past few weeks, one of the main problems I’ve had, was deciding on what exactly to write.  Initially, my second post was going to be a rant about critics in media, mostly film and music, as a precursor to writing a series of blog posts about some of my favorite artists.  I still plan on getting to those kind of posts, but since it was my son’s Birthday, another topic was more pressing at that time, and I have felt a pressing need to write something of more value and worth than a rant against a particular group of people. Truly, I even contemplated delving into some of those social issues and topics I said I wasn’t going to get into in my first post, because some of the things I’ve been seeing in society lately have been so egregiously disturbing, I can barely suppress my voice on the matter.

While grappling with those weighty matters, and trying to figure out what my purpose in writing this blog should even be (not to mention my larger purpose in life!), I was listening to aforementioned “Kitchen Sink”, and the lyrics I quoted above reached out and smacked me in the face.  THIS, was what I was going to write about!  Now, I’ve listened to them many times, and even knew they applied to me, as a person who struggles with feeling insignificant and meaningless in life.  But I don’t think it was ever so clear to me before, that this blog, or more specifically, my writing, is my venue in which to potentially discover my higher purpose.  I’ll never know, if I don’t try, and even if it’s just “worthless” ramblings about seemingly “meaningless” things, maybe that’s how I will actually find out just what God has for me in the future.

Now, let me take a quick detour here, to emphasize that I know my personal worth is actually found in God, first and foremost, and secondly, my family.  I’m not discounting that, or saying that if all I have is God, my family, and a few of you friends, I will have lived a meaningless life.  However, I have long felt a calling towards doing something more – something that will impact the world around me – but have struggled with actually getting out of my comfort zone, and pursuing that ambiguous “calling.”  That’s where this verse, and the inspiration that song provided comes in.

I have a confession to make…  I am a bit of a perfectionist.  I carry a 4-point GPA at my local Community College (although I haven’t attended a class in years) because to do anything less would be a complete, abysmal, and intolerable failure on my part.  I avoid doing things that I might not do well at, for that reason as well.  I subsequently do not stretch myself beyond that in which I know I’ll find success, limiting my potential.  Take even this hiatus from my blog…  I didn’t get much feedback on my first two posts, leading me to question whether it’s even worth doing, if nobody is reading it, or if nobody cares much about it.   I don’t want to simply do things well, or very good…  I want to do things GREAT!  (All caps great, even!)  If I can’t do them GREAT, I’d rather not do them at all…  That’s where I’m coming from in my life, just being honest with you here.

While I’m laying myself out for you, let me make another confession…  I struggle TREMENDOUSLY (yes, all caps again!) with criticism, and don’t want to do anything that people will criticize me over.  Given the fact that only perfection will do, and if somebody thinks something I do isn’t perfect, they must either be know-nothing jerks, or I really did come up short in my quest for perfection, which as I mentioned before, is intolerable.  So you see my conundrum here…

I realize that this obsession over perfection is a problem, and is holding me back, and my wife and others close to me who know about it have been telling me this for years.  But that four letter word beginning with “F” keeps holding me back…  FEAR.  My fear of failure has crippled a life that could have certainly been lived so much more productively than it has, and unless I can truly gain victory over it, will continue to be the anchor that keeps my dreams rooted to the bottom of the ocean.

This is where that epiphany while listening to “Kitchen Sink” the other day comes in, and has driven me to writing this post.  Tyler Joseph faced all the obstacles and uncertainties that any musical artist does when starting out, including having two-thirds of the original band leave after the first self-released CD.  But that didn’t stop him from pursuing his dream, nor did all the hard work getting those early gigs scheduled, or the inevitable criticism that came with making music that was very different, and hard for listeners to describe or categorize.  He found another band member, drummer Josh Dunn, creatively came up with ways to fill out the rest of the band’s sound, and “twenty one pilots” have gone on to become notorious in concert-going circles as the best band to experience live out there performing today!  That is not hyperbole either, as I have seen them twice now, and they are absolutely amazing (and for my local friends, coming to Meadowbrook Music Festival in Rochester Hills on September 19th too – hurry, it will sell out before long!)  Tyler just put all of his thoughts, feelings, emotions, and really, himself, into his songs: that was his way of defeating his inner demons (Tyler struggled with depression and suicidality growing up), and regardless of whether his band ever took off, he was bettering himself.  Well, look what’s happened along the way to that end…  They are one of the hottest up and coming bands making music today, and what’s even better, is that they’re making music with real meaning behind the lyrics, often buoyed by both members’ personal faith in Christ.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is not mere coincidence either.  When a believer uses the gifts God has given them for Him, and strives for the betterment of the world around them (the number of young people who credit “twenty one pilots” with saving them from committing suicide is staggering!), blessing is only part of the natural benefit.  Finding one’s purpose, and the satisfaction of knowing your life’s deeper meaning also comes with that.

I’m not saying I’ll ever touch as many lives as Tyler and Josh have, and maybe I’ll never be “famous” or popular.  But I do believe I am called to do more with my life than I am currently, and it’s time for me to actively start pursuing my “worthless” blog writing, maybe write a few “pointless” novels or screenplays, not to mention finishing my “nonsense” college education.  God knows, as does my family, that I have plenty of demons that need defeating, and maybe, just maybe, this can be the beginning of their ending.  Regardless of whether I truly do have a higher meaning in life, that alone will be a major victory, and will only help me to be a better person to those I love, and in turn, affect my world around me in a more positive way.

Going forward, I will try to be more regular with my blog posts, hopefully at least a couple a week.  They will vary from music-related, to movie-related, to who knows what else…  I can’t promise you that I may not be controversial at times, and I can’t guarantee that you won’t find my viewpoint worthless.  But I can guarantee you that I will no longer be letting my fear of you feeling either of those things get in the way of me searching for that purpose that has been eluding me while I played things safe!

For my fellow-believers, keep me in your prayers as I undertake this endeavor!  I have opened up a part of me to you, and I hope you can take what you’ve seen to the throne of God, and provide me that support, as I try to live for Him fully.  Again, I know He is my #1 bringer of meaning, and purpose, and my family is a close second.  But there is definitely more I have to offer to the rest of you, and I hope and pray I can finally fully realize that potential!

Thanks for reading, and I encourage you to check out the video of “Kitchen Sink” below, as well as the rest of their available music on Spotify!  (Unfortunately, “Kitchen Sink” is not there, because it’s from their now-unavailable second independent release, “Regional at Best”.)  Be sure to buy their music to support them if you like what you hear (“Kitchen Sink” IS a bonus track on the UK version of their first studio album, Vessel, and is available here at amazon.co.uk!), and they have a new album, “Blurryface” coming out May 19th in advance of their upcoming tour!  Take care, and God bless!